Chiron

http://www.purevolume.com/30secondstomars

There you will find the entire 30 seconds to mars album to be previewed. have fun ^_^

just counting down the next 4 days till i goto work... its been a long long long summer and i don't feel the inkling to explain. deal! xp

I made 3.5 so now i get to get into Alpha beta gamma and the national honor society! YAY! Oh and I'm Irish I guess woot! Woot!

Your Inner European is Irish!

Sprited and boisterous! You drink everyone under the table.

So what’s been going on in the world of Stephanie? It would take a book to fill in the details of all that’s happened since the last time I wrote here. Its 4 in the morning and for the first time in my life I can’t sleep because, well I’m not sure. Something is very very wrong so this post is more for myself than any other.

I feel that I am fighting a battle that at one point I had the upper hand in. There was a time when I didn’t really feel much. Didn’t hurt over trite things. I lost sleep over no one and nothing. I was cold and concise fighting the battle we all fight with ourselves. Defying the very idea that I had a single frailty. There was a time when I was a vagabond and I think I might have been happy. No I take that back, I’m sure it’s the hardest thing in the world to be happy, but at the time I was winning my fight and knowing that I had the strength that others didn’t was more than enough to yield something like contentment.

Somewhere along the line I gave up that straight, perhaps just to see what would happen. In my self destruction I needed to feel what it mean to be on the other side of my constant battle. What was it like to hurt genuinely? No that’s not right. I wanted to know what it meant to feel more than just content but to be happy. In order to learn that height I needed to give up strength and open myself to an idea that I knew didn’t exist, this idea not being happiness but that such a thing were possible. I found it and it utterly destroyed me. David said “that’s not true. The king of lions can’t feel bad.” all I could tell him was that everyone gets theirs.

I’m not dwelling in self pity because I have everything anyone could ask for. I have a talent, though its going more and more dormant as I lose this battle. I have friends who don’t neglect to come to my side and stab me in the back. I have those I take for granted, the ones who always wait for my call. I have family, though not rich, but they offer me another out if I lose all strength. I have a job that I like. In fact the only thing I really love sometimes is work. it’s the only place where I know I’m good at something but know that others are better and I feel almost like my old self. I laugh and its real. I talk to the people there because I need them, not because its something to do. Yeah there is nothing that I don’t have.

At the same time every morning I wake up and I sit there going “what do I do now?” I’m fighting this fight the best I know how, but I’m running out of ideas. I’ve begun to reclaim my strength and callous but in this I know what I’m losing. In this I push everything behind an invisible wall and I call feel it weighing on my consciousness like never before. Some days I don’t want to wake up, not because I am said but because I really don’t have anything to look forward to. In pushing everything back I’m developing an artificial numb that hurts. The world itself holds no fascination for me anymore. Now everyday feels like ‘m “going through the motions.” but that’s the battle everyone fight right? I hate it because I really don’t care about it. Things aren’t bad but they aren’t good. Sometimes I wonder, have they ever been?

I used to have something that drove me. Some feeling like there was something I had to get done. In exchange for that energy, that guardian, I gave up a concise sense of normality. Now I attempt to relate to others but I found my will has diminished along with my strength. My guardian seems to have left for now. Perhaps my destruction was too much to bare witness to. I know now that in the past when I thought I was existing I was really alive. I know now that the small ounces of boredom I called “purgatory” were nothing compared to the unyielding nothing that I have now. The question I have no is a very simple one. I ask it every morning. I was tired of following fate, I know that now. Instead I tried to take it into my own hands and have thus lost my way. I liked it better when the words “its fate” meant nothing and didn’t make the pain go away. Now I shrug in frustration and look for something to do.

I am sooo board with life. I would give anything to have half the passion and drive that I once had.

Puck Unla: saw sin city. you effin liar! 1. the only good character in the movie was Josh Hartnett. 2. the movie sucked! It woulda been bad ass if they had a tommy gun and somoen in a pin striped suit. that woulda saved it. 3. Del Toro was entertaining in his own way.

AIM CPU Manager: He was a slime bag he was such a wimp lol

AIM CPU Manager: It was cool to me.

AIM CPU Manager: It got wicked boring at parts

AIM CPU Manager: And it didnt run together well

AIM CPU Manager: but over all it was rad.

Puck Unla: MAN! if that had a tommy gun!! woooooh that movie woulda been the shit!

Puck Unla: its the little things

Puck Unla: oh and all the stories are going on at the same time in the same night

AIM CPU Manager: lmao it wasnt set in the fucking 60's

Puck Unla: no but the way they were trying to use some of the swank 40's lingo and the old ass cars

Puck Unla: they needed a tommy gun

Puck Unla: just one!

AIM CPU Manager: lol did you not see that dudes chucks.

AIM CPU Manager: lol

AIM CPU Manager: he was wearing those fucking red sneakers

AIM CPU Manager: a tommy gun wouldnt have fit in

Puck Unla: i saw a big ass 80's cell phone and a chick with a moehawk and then i saw some bad as modern gear ont he cops and a shit load of 50's cars that didn't go with the 40's dick tracy way of telling the story.... a tommy gun woulda not only fit in, it would have made the movie

AIM CPU Manager: It was a comic book for christs sakes lol, modern, 80's, 40's, its all the same.

Puck Unla: and thus..... drum roll...... a tommy gun!

AIM CPU Manager: lol fayg

Puck Unla: i stand by it!

Puck Unla: or someone saying "there see... you'll never take me alive, see!"

AIM CPU Manager: nyar

Puck Unla: lmao that woulda been cool too

AIM CPU Manager: nyar see

Puck Unla: exactly!

Woot worked out most of the stuffs with Jenny and Justin... though everything they said to one another will go unheard... as it always does ^_^. I'm back at it with the magazine! It makes me happy. This time I'm aiming for a printed copy and am looking for writers.. I know you're out there! Did you know that Aladain was from China? I was reading the Arabian Nights, I was shocked! Disney didn't tell the truth that its oh so famous for >_< lol. Anyhow in all seriousness I got audited again! Damn the Feds for not believing my ma is THAT poor! Lynn is going away and this makes me sad as we've just started talking again. HAVE A GREAT TRIP KYA!!!! umm other than that I've decided to shake my loner facade and rejoin the world... slowly. I've found a number of people whom I've missed and my ego says they missed me ^_^ Oh I climbed the rockwall at Dick's and Jeremy is way way proud of me! More than he can say... and if his livejournal says otherwise.. ITS A LIE!!!

You guys are dieing to know what I spent my spring break on aren't ya? well I'll tell ya, Resident Evil 4! Er the first half of it. The second half went to birthday stuffs and way way to much thinking lol. Not to much has happened. Justin still talks about Jen but is with her now. I've begun to talk about jen... this could lead to a bad place lol. Um Jeremy is still a bastard... er at least that's what he says and sticks to ^_^ I have reason to disagree but we can pretend. Ma's still the biggest goon I know annnnd Lynn still makes me laugh. I did try to do some writing buuut that went no where. I haven't read anymore Dorian Gray. The Way We Live now is a very good mini-series I suggest everyone look into it. other than that spring break has gone better than i thought and life is as to be expected ^_^

Ok so the past few days have been by far the worst of my life. How many people say that? I'm not being dramatic or anything but I'm being perfectly honest. I was taking Wellbutrin and the DR. told me that it would take 1-3 weeks to kick in... I think last week it hit me. My God I've never been so pathetic. The tears were almost constant. One day they lasted from like 630-11 pm... I noticed that I was getting sadder and sadder but I thought that maybe it had something to do with my joining the army. The idea of leaving everyone. Then it just kept going. I was SERIOUSLY taking a turn for the weird. I had a genuine Gothic outlook. I'm not talking dark clothes and demons. I'm talking "you're only alive when you hurt" WTF? Wow that soo shoulda been a beacon! I was hoping it would give me a wider range of emotions... and it did just on the wrong end of the spectrum.

I was wicked paranoid and lacked anything resembling self sustainment. Last night was the worst its gotten. Bless the heart of my friend whose done everything in their power to help. But I'll be glad when things return to normal. but back to last night. Jen got pissed at me because I didn't feel like going out and drinking. The night before I'd gotten hammered (haven't been that far gone since i was lie 16) and I spilled my guts to a friend. Lol it was awful. I still feel like shit for doing that to em. But he's been an unnaturally good sport about it. Anyhow I spent the better part of yesterday trying to remember what exactly was said (as I was drunk mind you) and i felt sooo guilty.

Then in the night it changed from guilt to something much worse. I tried sleeping it off, as often that helps... for a moment. Then amids the, self loathing, paranoia and starvation (yes I'm one of those who simply doesn't eat when i feel like shit) something clicked. I woke up at 3 and it peaked! I felt worse than I've ever felt in my entire life! And couldn't cry as much as I had been. (we always miss the obvious roadsigns) I just lay there trying desperately to turn the noise off in my head. (aka thinking WAY too much)Then at around 4 it just stopped. Like someone had hit a button. poof! we're done!

I fell asleep and I dreamed. I dreamed about proving my paranoia wrong. I dreamed about the faith of those who've truly stood by me. And then I woke up this morning a little anxious but after i watched a movie it went away. I don't have a single doubt about leaving for the army. I've already eaten more today than I have in the last week (It feels like) To be completely honest I 'm glad to lack that range of emotions. If you know me you know that I'm not one for tears. Life simply never feels THAT bad. I've always felt like life was really really good to me. Sometimes too good. Last night I lost my faith in people. I'm very glad that I have a grip on reality again. Er rather its getting within grasp.

Jen thinks me a coward because I'd rather not feel regret, guilt and self loathing. Emotional people don't understand the value of not having such a range because they've always had them. Then again... she is a pessimist and a cynic. I'd rather be neither. I'll admit things feel less real but the world isn't so ugly. I wouldn't ever want to be her. And I never want to be where I was. I would ask myself which is better, being truly happy in small moments and in utter pain the rest of the time. Feeling the blatant difference between living and existing. Or being stuck in a surreality where things are truly beautiful and evil is nothing more than a point of view. Where weakness isn't an option but elation isn't possible... For now I chose the later of the two.

You Are the Very Gay Peppermint Patty!

Softball is the huge tipoff here... As well as a "best friend" who loves to call her "sir"

Puck Unla: i don't understand why she's so upset. I hate that she cried. I hate that's she's crying and I can't be there. I hate more that she makes me doubt this. that she makes me cry lol. I dunno what i wanna do. i fucking hate this

AIM CPU Manager: So you're doubting it now?

Puck Unla: not so much. i talked to her and she was just really scared. She told me that she wanted to go with me to Lansing and she wants me to take the extra class before i go so i can have extra rank, which to her means I'll be safer but to me means more $. So if i do it her way i wont leave till the end of the summer. somehow i think that's only fair

AIM CPU Manager: So there's no turning back now?

Puck Unla: nothing is official until i go to Lansing

AIM CPU Manager: Better make sure you want it.I hope if your mind is going to change at all it changes before you go and make it all official and what not.

Puck Unla: you still haven't said what you think

AIM CPU Manager: I'm not sure what to think. I don't really think the military is for you. But I'm not you so I can't even begin to say that. I just hope that if you go into it for real, you get what you're looking for out of it. And that you're not just going because you're sick of school. That you really get something valuable from it. Cuz I'm sick of school too wtf but I'm not about to go and join the MILITARY lol. Then again I'm fickle and I don't like to make choices that are permanent. Even remotely. So tell me what YOU'RE thinking right now?

Puck Unla: its about so much more than me being sick of school. I seriously want to push myself beyond pain. beyond this nagging thing that tugs at the back of my head. I feel so fucking useless sitting here every day. And every morning I think of ways to get out of it. Get a job, get a car, get a house, its all bullshit. the nagging will always be there. I still will have yet to do something REAL.

AIM CPU Manager: And what are you going to do in the army? Are you so sure that going into the army is going to give you anymore of an agenda than doing school work, and writing, and hanging out is?

Puck Unla: its all aesthetics that i see. its all just ideas.. none of it means anything. nothing here is worth staying for. there are a handful of people who matter to me and that's it. In the army for nine weeks every ounce of self-destructive energy is going to be released in a way that's, for the first time, valuable. I'll wake up every morning and my mussels will ache and I'll miss home. and every morning I'll know that I'm alive.

AIM CPU Manager: I see.

Puck Unla: I'll not see what I'm doing. it wont be on useless paper. I'll feel it. every step of the way.

AIM CPU Manager: So what. Do you want to work towards a cause?

Puck Unla: after that nine weeks it'll be just like having a normal job, without taxes ^_^. I'll work from 700-400 getting my hands dirty fixing guns or planes or tanks. I'll skin my knuckles and i won't be timid when a big responsibility is given to me. no cause other than my own

OK I really didn't give any details on the story I'm working on so here we go...

The main character is Trent who happens to be a serial killer/hit man. He's got a few we'll call them problems for now. Those aren't the important part. When I came up with this guy he was something completely new to me. I was in alien territory and exploring and loving it. Then one day, as I'm adding a plot to it, it occurs to me that the territory is no longer alien... I'd been here before... Now he reminded me of Niriel or even Krow. This breaks my heart. Well maybe not so much with Krow because he's pretty detached as well, but Niriel was flat out angsty... also an orpahan... I see a pattern here. With Trent I'd achieved something I'd failed to do with Krow, complete detachment. Trent was the embodiment of it. Then something happened and I wrote the last scene entirely wrong! I couldn't explain his detachment. I couldn't portray a broken soul. His body breaks down in tears but he doesn't feel it. "like he's watching his life as a movie" -Jeremy. That's how it started and that's how I wanted it to stay. At this point I don't really feel the need to continue Trent's story as he is no different than other characters I've done. I tried writing him, the next scene, but I hated it. I hated working on it. I hated reading it. I'm sure others would like it but I don't. But Trent was never for others. He was just for me. *sigh*

I feel like hell right now and i feel very very alone. OK so live here has been wicked complicated and very simple at the same time. I broke up with Elvis a few months ago and have been slowly trying to adjust to that. But I miss not feeling alone. But that's all beside the point. When I was in high school I really didn't worry about having friends because I'd known all the people around me for years. Then when i went to Omega my sister was there so i just chilled with her and her friends until i found my own. which wasn't hard because there were only like 200 people there. it was pretty easy to get to know people. But even then i didn't pay much attention to any of them. But now in college its very very lonely. I don't really know how to make friends. When people come up to talk to me I run out of things to talk about sooo fast. It makes me so sad. I hate feeling like this. It takes away from my writing. So yeah I talk to a handful of people none of which go to school with me. Two of them are younger than me. It makes me worry that I simply don't know how to communicate with people my own age. ach just in a shitty mood

You Are Master Shake


The Ultimate Aqua Teen Hunger Force Quiz
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bad ass!

I've been working on this story like crazy. One day it just came to me. Its the first of its kind and its very raw. So far its getting rave reviews across the board. This weekend has been fairly ruff and i haven't slept much and thus have nothing really to say. I wanna finish this story buuuut i wanna sleep. choices...

Don't ask, don't say. Everything lies in silence. Add a fortune to your website or blog, click here.

So today I start on Wellbutrin for depression. I foun dout its the same kind my ma takes so I'm not so scared about what it will do to me. She's still as mean as ever ^_^. I've been up since 6 30 and am in need of some rest. The past efw day I've been feeling really good and I hope these pills only make me feel something like that most of the time. I enjoy homework and wake up feeling pretty rested. The dr. said that depression goes away and that the pills should help make that more perminant. I'll be on them for only 6 months. kya my writing is going great and hopefully it will be able to stay that way now. I've neglected college to an extreme! I'm somewhere around 2 weeks behind on homework. Mind yuo I did a great deal of it this weekend. I woke up this morning and decided to do research on a story that really doesn't have much of a storyline just yet. Only a hand full of characters. Well I'd write more but i'm pretty well thrashed.

We find lines in life and do our damndest not to cross them. Then sometimes just seeing that line makes you curious as to what is on the other side. Often it is nothing more another piece of ourselves. In order to learn new things we must cross lines and break barriers. But then there are those that in just seeing them makes you changed. With those comes a scream rather than a dull chant to just see what’s on the other side. And yet when you look back, away from the line you see an unyielding darkness and begin to wonder which is worth exploring more? Cross the line where there is an idea of possibilities or run from it into a new unknown. What stops you from crossing that line? What stops you from so much as voicing the idea? What makes that darkness that much more appealing and terrifying at the same time? I dunno. Maybe I’m more afraid of getting hurt than I thought. Perhaps I’m the hypocrite when it comes to the inevitable rejection. Perhaps I’ve tried so hard for so long to be the pillar for others that I’ve neglected myself. Perhaps in my new found intolerance of this neglect I’ve crossed a line I didn’t see. Perhaps now is the time to stop being ‘reasonable’ and just be me. But the irony in that is, I'm terrified of being anything but.

talked to the grand folks and i am out of here in the summer! I have one roomate thus far whose with me! woot1 now for to find me a job... and a third party


Mors


<a

Writing, a form of expression. Personal writing such as this is a form of venting. Venting not always being anger but sometimes love and its trivial pursuit which may in itself be love. Sometimes its simple thank yous for opening eyes and doors... though sometimes they should remain closed. I felt today for the first time in a long time a swell of peace. It was the best day I'd had in as long as i can remember... which might not be saying as much as i hoped for. I have no words to say what i want to say. Perhaps it is that something should not be said. Silence is golden for a reason. Though i feel peace now my last wish is to cling to it and devastate the very thing that I'm looking for. I'm happy enough now, though far from complete. Sometimes we have to live that way, i think. It yields a sort of melodically and makes you feel somewhat disillusioned and far from content but in simply realizing what it is you have and do not have comes peace... at least today. So i say thank you to those who listen and yield as much of a lack of understanding as those who are with me on every note. To those who see beyond aesthetics well thank you simply won't do. now.. to the shower and sleep.

i'm kinda taken with abstract conversations of late... don't be so shocked to see a few that just don't make sense... like this one.


"What are you looking for Robin?"

"Just an ounce of peace."

"you know better than that. why would you do something so self destructive."

"I... I don't want to be a god right now."

"You are just a Man Robin. Nothing more. Not even a proper conquerer."

"What do you want from me Puck?"

"I want to look into your eyes and for just a moment see contentment."

"Then give me the world."

"I have been. But you have an insatiable apatite. you generate destruction more than i do."

"I hate you right now."

"You hate me often enough. Should I mourn this?"

"Why mock me now?"

puck's shrill giggle cut though the air, "I do not mock. How can that be mockery?"

Gue sat up in his chair shaking his head.

"Now you're just being unreasonable."

"Did you need something?"

"You need peace, you'll never find any. I would like peace but I've given up that dream. As the only way for it to come about it to see it in you. Thank you Robin, for such a grand gift."

"Oh fuck off!"

"Now who mocks? Would you like me to leave? Would you like to run from me on this?"

"you test my patience."

"And yet would you have it any other way?"

"My son has fallen in battle today."

"Then he dwells with the gods."

"There are no gods! We are gods!"

Again that giggle. "If it makes you sleep better at night."

"You yourself gave them up!"

"I would have been killed had i done it any other way. I am not a Nihilist, always keep that in mind."

"No, perhaps not. But where is this Poe you love so much? he mocks you in his legend, doesn't he!"

Puck clenched his jaw shut. "That is a perhaps a little too bold, even for you."

Gue smiled, "I thought peace could only come from me. why fret over a make believe deity?"

Puck's finger stopped half an inch from Gue's nose, "Would you cross me this way? I'll not give you leave to mock me. I know you, you are not in grief for your son, you have others."

"I could kill you."

"I can destroy you."

Gue laughed patting Puck's shoulder. "i do not know what i would do without you keeping the sense in me. Now let us set about finding this peace." he pointed to the map on the table.

"You've finished mourning your son?"

"I have others."

That giggle again. "I do believe that I would have nothing to strive for if you were gone. Who would compete for the greater evils with me?"

"There is always Israel and his conquests."

"Ha! his is just of greed, he misses true meaning."

"Would you have that any other way?"

"So what nation do you have in mind next?"